


Behind Closed Doors

by Idonquixote



Category: Kuroshitsuji | Black Butler
Genre: Humor, M/M, Tanakabastian Takeover, Tanakabastian Takeover 2k15, and neither with you, but nothing explicit, now they will never unsee the following, or horror, the only ship that matters, the servants learn not to be too nosy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-15
Updated: 2015-06-15
Packaged: 2018-04-03 15:19:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 913
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4105663
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Idonquixote/pseuds/Idonquixote
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sebastian acts oddly. Bard calls shenanigans and Mey-Rin predicts romance. When the servants decide to investigate their butler's nightly routine, they learn a little too much about their co-workers.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Behind Closed Doors

**Author's Note:**

> I wish I could say I'm sorry, but I'm too far gone to regret. For those brave enough to click on this, thank you.

It started with little things. Sebastian always had the habit of disappearing and popping back in at the worst times, but he was always immaculate when he did. Bard couldn't pinpoint when exactly, but eventually he started noticing- some buttons undone on his tailcoat, a torn glove, a missing tie, wild hair. The butler would always be a bit distracted when he appeared like that.

"What happened to you?" Bard once asked him.

"I need to find Finny," Sebastian replied, having not heard the cook at all.

And then Mey-Rin had come pounding on Bard's door, waking all of Snake's snakes and Finny's snoring. She was all tears, snot, and more tears. She saw it, she did- Sebastian with hickies. _Hickies_. Little love bites on his neck and scratches on his arms. And not the kind you got in a fight, the kind you got from that beautiful beazle at the tavern. Then it became clear that there was never a look of distraction on Sebastian- it was lovelight.

Sebastian was in love. Or very horny. Bard didn't know. They sent the snakes to investigate next. The results came back:

"Black always leaves when dishes are done, says Oscar."

"Black comes back at ten on Monday, Thursday, and Sunday. Three in the morning on Wednesday, four in the afternoon on Tuesday, five in the morning on Saturday, and midnight sharp on Friday, says Wilde."

"Black disappears to his room, says Goethe."

"We heard noises, says Wordsworth."

"There's someone with him, says Dan."

"I bet it's a curvy woman, says Bronte."

"I think it's a man, says Wilde. He won't tell us why, says Emily."

"I'm so confused," Finnian interjected at last. Truth be told, so was Bard but he wasn't about to let anyone know. So taking Finny by the arm, he pulled Snake and Mey-Rin into a huddle. 

"Alright, men and woman, here's what we'll do. At uh, ten fifteen, we'll check his room out. Can't let him get away with monkey business in the young master's house."

Mey-Rin gasped. "You mean Mr. Sebastian is- _with a monkey_!?"

"What? No! What the- that's disgusting, Mey-Rin!" Bard tried to erase the image.

* * *

And that was how Mey-Rin, Finnian, Bard, and Snake found themselves clinging to Sebastian's locked door at ten seventeen PM. The servants pressed their ears for a sound. 

"You hear anything?" Bard whispered.

"Wait, I'm getting something, says Oscar."

They fell silent. It was a moan, a low, aroused moan. But definitely Sebastian's voice. Well, there was one more thing Bard could never forget.

"Is he hurt?" Finnian asked worriedly.

"Um..." Bard wasn't sure either. The maid's face was tomato red.

"So we wait to see who it is, then we bust him, says Wilde."

"Yup."

Then came the scratching, like someone was clawing at the headboard. The moan became a cry. "..es..."

"He said yes, says Dan."

Bard strained to hear more. And more, he heard. " _More... more- ah, yes_ ," Sebastian's voice cried, " _more...oohh, yes, right there... a_."

"This is too much," Mey-Rin squeaked.

"Should we help him?" Finnian asked again, the only one too innocent to know otherwise.

"Wait," Bard shushed him.

Then there was the sound of something slamming against the headboard, or the bed. Either way, a body was being ravaged repeatedly and violently. 

" _Baritsu... my favorite_ ," Sebastian purred. Purred.

Huh? That was an odd phrase to throw in there.

"What's baritsu? says Emily."

Come to think of it, it was a familiar phrase. Bard struggled to remember where he heard it before. And then came the sound that froze them all. Bard felt his jaw drop. Snake went stone cold. Mey-Rin's glasses slid off.

" _Ho. Ho. Ho_."

What the hell.

It was the unmistakable laugh of the Phantomhive steward. Bard refused to believe it.

But there it was again, louder. " _Ho! Ho! Ho!_ " 

" _Ah yes.. a_!" Sebastian responded.

"Tanaka's in there!" Finnian gasped, "he's in on it too. Ah, it's not fair- they keep secrets from us."

"It's not fair," Mey-Rin hissed, "it's not! I'm younger and prettier and I thought-"

"I'm younger and prettier too," Bard hissed back, "what the fuck is this!?"

" _TANAKA MORE_!"

"But he's so old, how does he do it, asks Dan."

As if on cue, the sound of a sword leaving its sheathe was heard. The metallic sound of a katana. Bloody hell. As if Tanaka and Sebastian- that- was not enough, now an actual sword was being used.

"Tanaka's always been healthy for his age," Mey-Rin said, trying to deal with this newfound trauma. "They say if you love someone, you-" she sniffed, "have to let them go."

"I want to leave, says Wordsworth."

"Black why, says Emily."

Sebastian's screech reached their ears well enough. Followed by the sound of the katana leaving something that was not a sheath. If Sebastian actually died this way, Bard wouldn't know what to say.

" _You really are one hell of a steward_ ," Sebastian remarked dreamily. Bard was still trying to get over the fact that Tanaka had just stabbed Sebastian _there_ with a katana. He hoped this was a drunken dream.

" _... and you... put the butt... in butler_." Tanaka's voice carried those words through. 

"Please, can we leave, says me."

" _Oh... ah, Tanaka... it feels so... yes... inside me..._ "

" _Ho_!"

That was it. Bard stood up and left. One by one, the others followed until only Finnian was left.

" _Ho_!"

It sounded like awkward, but healthy exercise to the gardener.

" _Ho_!"

 


End file.
